That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
