I got chris browned last night
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
