I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
