I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There's always time for handjobs
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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