did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
