You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Randomize
