CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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