While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
how drunk are you?
Several
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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