I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
