Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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