i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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