I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
