Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
