i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
