so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You're a waste of cheezeits
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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