I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
How does one acquire holy water?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
