I just pynch a tree in the face
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
