Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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