she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
