Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
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My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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