I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
