oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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