First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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