Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
