just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Randomize
