This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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