I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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