I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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