she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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