if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
