She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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