Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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