i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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