I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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