I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
