i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
