She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
