So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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