I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
