I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
