I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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