I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
