So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Swine flu is the new snow day.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
