This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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