How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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