Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
