Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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