On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
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Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
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At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The ass gains better be worth it
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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