When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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