If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
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