if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
