its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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