you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My penis needs a shock collar
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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