Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
