It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
So vagazzling was a success
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
