Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
