then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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