i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
