I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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