Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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