I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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