i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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